What are those Spanish Ads Saying?

Two older gentlemen on the R train in Brooklyn:

“See all them ads in Spanish on the platform? They really annoy me.”

“Why? ‘Cause you don’t know Spanish?”

“Yeah, but mainly ’cause I think they’re saying something like ‘Don’t buy this crap we sell the black folks’, buy somethin’ else that’s better.’

“You really think that’s what they saying?”

“I don’t know, maybe, but they look different and I bet they are saying something different. I don’t know why they don’t just translate the same ads we can read.”

“I know what you’re saying, but white people see them same ads we do in English.”

“Yeah, but they ‘aint tryna’ buy Fubu or Akademiks or eatin’ at Dallas Barbecue.”

Eviction’s a Bitch

Two women on the uptown C at Fulton Street:

“Motherf–ker was saying that he gonna evict me ’cause my kids is like a herd of elephants going up and down the stairs. That ‘aint fair at all – I can’t control how they be steppin’!”
“So what you say to him?”
“I told him ‘F–k you and your apartment.'”
“Damn, you go girl, tell that bitch n—a what’s up! Then what happened?”
“Well, we got 10 days to leave and find some place new.”

Getting Your Lines Crossed

Drunken man to another passenger on downtown B near 14th Street:

“Yo man, anybody on the subway ever aks you if youse one of them al qaeda terrorists wit’ your long hair and beard and shit?”
“No, but if they ever did I’d tell them I’m Jewish.”
“Oh yeah, why’s that?”
“Because I am Jewish.”
“No shit, man? That’s cool.”

Career Assistance, Please

“Ladies and gentlemen, some o y’all know me and some o’ y’all don’t. My name is Jamal Simmons but I also go by the name of ‘New York’s Candy Man’. Candy is 50c each or 2 for $1, you do the math. The candy that I have is Welch’s fruit snacks. Anyone care to buy? Selling more candy means more candy for sale. If I could make a real livin’ outta this, I would. Help a brotha along with his career, wontcha?”

Shorty Smackin’

Two charming young men on the A train at Fulton Street, Manhattan:

“Yo, ma n—a be tellin me about this shorty he smackin’ wit'”
“Which n—a?”
“You know my n—a Rayvon, right?”
“Yeah, I know the n—a.”
“Well, he be sayin’ that he be smackin’ on like cloud 9 with this new shorty he got named Rhondelle. Doin’ all kinds o’ nasty shit wit’ her.”
“Aw snap, that n—a always talkin about ho’s he smackin’! He be frontin, yo, no doubt.”
“Na’ he aint, n—a! He for real. I know it. He be gettin’ it poppin’ a whole lot.”
“Oh yeah, how you know that for sure. You seen him wit’ her?”
“Nah, but ‘dat n—a don’t lie to me. We known each other for years!”
“Word, whatever man… Hey, wait, uh, uh, ‘aint yo’ cousin’s name Rhondelle?”

Celebrity Beef

Two young men on the E train:

“Hey, you heard about that show where celebrities that got beef with each other go on and fight?”
“Yeah, it looks funny, man.”
“Yeah, it does. If you was a celebrity on that show, who would you fight?”
“I don’t know, maybe Riddick Bowe or Mike Tyson.”
“What? Why? They both be boxers and be beatin’ you down so hard you’d be dead in like five seconds!”
“Nah, they be old as hell now. I think I have a chance. Who’d you fight?”
“Ha, ha. I’d fight you, n—a, ’cause you so dumb about beating Mike Tyson, I gotta be able to kick yo’ ass!”

Decisions, Decisions…

Two strung-out looking women:

“Damn, I wanted to get a f—in’ buttered roll, man!”
“So why didn’t you?”
“‘Cause I only got 12 dollars in my pocket and I can’t a coffee and a buttered roll with that.”
“What? You crazy! What kind of coffee and roll costs $12?”
“Yeah, but I gotta save ten of them dollars for my dose at the clinic, yo.”
“Aw snap, I forgot about your dose. You better get that or you will be crazy.”

Um, No. It Was a Non-Profit Coffee-House.

A very pale, black-clad couple at 23rd Street in Manhattan on the C train:

“So, when I walked in and I heard this Goth music playing, I was totally intimidated because really all I wanted to do was stroll around the shop and then casually go up to her and tell her how much I liked her writing.”
“So what did you do?”
“Well, I bought some incense and then walked out.”
“Where was this?”
“Vegas, of all places.”
“Wow, that’s awesome. You know that the city in the US with the most head shops is Albuqerque, NM? Interesting tidbit, right?”
“What makes you think this was a headshop? The incense?”
“Um, yeah I guess.”
“Well, actually, for your information, it was a nonprofit coffee house and it had all these neat, old pinball machines and a life-size statue of Mike Tyson.”

Morning-Breath Paul

Two women on their morning commute:

“Hey, see that tall guy over there?”

“No, which one?”

“The one with brown hair, that looks like Paul from the office.”

“You mean bad-breath Paul?”

“Yeah!”

“Oh my god, that guy stinks!”

“Wait, that is Paul from the office! Why is he on this train? Doesn’t he live in Jersey somewhere?”

“Oh crap, he’s spotted us. He’s coming over.”

“Well, let’s just hope he brushed his teeth this morning.”