Two women on the uptown C at Fulton Street:
“Motherf–ker was saying that he gonna evict me ’cause my kids is like a herd of elephants going up and down the stairs. That ‘aint fair at all – I can’t control how they be steppin’!”
“So what you say to him?”
“I told him ‘F–k you and your apartment.'”
“Damn, you go girl, tell that bitch n—a what’s up! Then what happened?”
“Well, we got 10 days to leave and find some place new.”
Drunken man to another passenger on downtown B near 14th Street:
“Yo man, anybody on the subway ever aks you if youse one of them al qaeda terrorists wit’ your long hair and beard and shit?”
“No, but if they ever did I’d tell them I’m Jewish.”
“Oh yeah, why’s that?”
“Because I am Jewish.”
“No shit, man? That’s cool.”
Seven-year-old to his mother:
“Mommy, why is that Chinese woman carrying her trash on to the train?”
“They are called recyclables, my dear.”
“Ok, so why is that recyclable bringing her trash on to the train?”
Two strung-out looking women:
“Damn, I wanted to get a f—in’ buttered roll, man!”
“So why didn’t you?”
“‘Cause I only got 12 dollars in my pocket and I can’t a coffee and a buttered roll with that.”
“What? You crazy! What kind of coffee and roll costs $12?”
“Yeah, but I gotta save ten of them dollars for my dose at the clinic, yo.”
“Aw snap, I forgot about your dose. You better get that or you will be crazy.”
A very pale, black-clad couple at 23rd Street in Manhattan on the C train:
“So, when I walked in and I heard this Goth music playing, I was totally intimidated because really all I wanted to do was stroll around the shop and then casually go up to her and tell her how much I liked her writing.”
“So what did you do?”
“Well, I bought some incense and then walked out.”
“Where was this?”
“Vegas, of all places.”
“Wow, that’s awesome. You know that the city in the US with the most head shops is Albuqerque, NM? Interesting tidbit, right?”
“What makes you think this was a headshop? The incense?”
“Um, yeah I guess.”
“Well, actually, for your information, it was a nonprofit coffee house and it had all these neat, old pinball machines and a life-size statue of Mike Tyson.”
Two women on their morning commute:
“Hey, see that tall guy over there?”
“No, which one?”
“The one with brown hair, that looks like Paul from the office.”
“You mean bad-breath Paul?”
“Yeah!”
“Oh my god, that guy stinks!”
“Wait, that is Paul from the office! Why is he on this train? Doesn’t he live in Jersey somewhere?”
“Oh crap, he’s spotted us. He’s coming over.”
“Well, let’s just hope he brushed his teeth this morning.”
Girl to her friend:
“Jessica’s too liberal for me on a lot of things, but, like, I’ve known her forever, so I can’t just come right out and tell her I think she’s full of shit.”
“Why not? It’s not like you’re that close, right?”
“Well, we are twins and all, but we’ve never been very alike.”
“Yo man, we got to get outta here.”
“Yeah man, I’ve been thinking that for a while. It’s too busy and hectic here.”
“I been in New York all my life but I’m done with it, man. Gotta get out.”
Where to though? It’s just same in Jersey – n—-as be shootin’ each other there all the time too.”
“I was in D.C. recently, man, visiting this sweet honey I met online for the first time. Oh man, it’s real nice out there man. Real nice!”
“Oh yeah, what’s it like?”
“Oh man, it’s real , real nice. I mean, really, really nice out there. You gotta go see it for yourself. Oh man, is it nice out there!”
Kid to his distracted mother:
“Mommy, why is that man reading his book backwards?”
“Oh, I don’t know, probably because he’s Jewish, honey.”
“I don’t get it. Can’t Jews read forwards?”
Same couple as in an earlier post to their young daughter who is fidgeting in her seat.
Father: “This lil’ n—a crazy! She crazy just like you!”
Mother: “All these kids be crazy. She learning all this from the ‘hood. Shonay don’t appreciate nothing anymore. Not me, not you, not that ball she have, not no gum I bought her neither.”
Father: “Hmm. Remember wassa name? Um, you know, the one that’s dead.”
Mother: “Who? Yo cousin’s shawty, Khalifa? The one that got shot?”
Father: “Nah, wassa name… uh, uh, uh, Princess Di?”
Mother: “What?! Where the fuck that come from? Shonay be a crazy-ass cuz a you, n—a!”
Two young men:
“Hey, you know when it gets real hot and the sweat drips down your back and, like, uh, uh, gets all wet in your drawers?”
“Yeah! It be like that today, yo. Hot as hell, man!”
“You ever think that happens to females too?”
“Yeah, ‘course it does, and a lot too. It get all caught up in they booty!”
“I get it. Is that why they wear those thongs in the summer, then? So it drain off quicker?”
Two women in their forties or fifties chatting to one another:
“Who’s this little cutie? (looking at a picture on a phone)”
“Oh, this is my little grand-daughter, Atari!”
“Her name is Atari? How do you spell that?”
“Just like it sounds: A-T-A-R-I”
“Like the video game console from the ’80s?”
“Like the what?”
“Hi Ladies and Gentlemen, my name is Hassan and I’m on this train selling candy. The candy that I do have is Welch’s grape candy. Each candy is $1. Welch’s grape candy are two for a dollar. Thank you ladies and gentlemen. Who in this car would like to buy a candy?”