“Hey, are you okay, young man? Those steps are totally stupid – the way they’re laid out, aren’t they? You think you’re on the last one and then there’s another. It’s so stupid!”
“Thanks for your concern, ma’am, but it’s not the steps. I’m wearing my dad’s shoes today, and they’re too big for me, so I’ve been tripping over stuff all day.”
– momish lady and teenager, F train, 4th Ave and 9th St, Brooklyn
“Everybody thinks they be able to lose weight just by eating broccoli and a ton of small meals. That ad up there say that ain’t true and that broccoli carbs be bad for you, and that small meals pack on the pounds. I already knew that shit, but I can’t drink black coffee. Even if it does help speed weightloss, it just taste nasty with no cream and sugar.”
“I hear you, but the only broccoli I eat be in that Chinese beef and broccoli, so I’m good.”
– two women discuss slimming tactics on the E train
More ferocious message tees:
“Mitt Romney is making my pussy dry up.”
– on a young woman, NJ Transit, Elizabeth, NJ
“Lah dee freakin dah…”
– bald, middle-aged man, 1, 2, 3 @ 14th St.
“Hey man, your wife sure can ball!”
– old man, NY Penn Station
“Does your face hurt? ‘Cause it’s killing me!”
-man’s shirt at 34th st, penn station.
“Friend on benefits.”
– old mans shirt at Port Authority, 42nd St.
“Have you seen European vacation, you know the movie, with Chevy Chase?”
“No.”
“Well, anyway, there’s a scene in it when they’re in England going round and round on a roundabout and it’s hilarious. That happened to us one day while we were there. We were laughing about it and we even said Big Ben Parliament like ten times.”
“Oh. Didn’t you see any castles? I hear there are a ton of them over there.”
” Yes, we saw one, but what we enjoyed most was the Harry potter studios tour.”
– two women on the downtown 1 train
“… And they doing it cuz they want you to suffer. Why else would they do it like that? Shoe makers gotta all be men cause they make us wear those kinda shoes that make us suffer. It ain’t no accident men all be wearin comfy shoes and all us dumb bitches be falling around wearing crazy heels. I mean, I used to wear ’em so much that ruined my feet wearing’ ’em, so much that I can’t even wear shoes no more.”
– barefoot homeless woman at W4th on the B train explains her lack of footwear.
“You know like when the Olympics on TV everybody always talking about doping and steroids they be taking to make theyselves faster?”
“Yeah. I don’t get it. Lance Armstrong be skin and bone. I can tell you he ain’t on no steroids.”
“Word. I think there also be folks who need steroids to make em go faster. Like that little Puerto Rican kid at the office, Jose. He does everything so slow I can’t believe he don’t fall asleep while he doing it.”
“Yeah you’re right. But I guess everybody in the Olympics already be doing things fast anyway.”
– two women waiting for the G train at Jay st/ Metrotech
“Hi everyone, my name’s Homeless Paul but you can call me Homeless, for short. I’m here today to take anything you got: food, drink, dollars, clothes, booze, joints, metro cards, scraps of paper, anything.”
“Don’t piss me off! I’m running out of places to put the bodies.”
– man’s shirt at Jay St / Metrotech Brooklyn
“Bath salts made me do it.”
– woman’s shirt at Port Authority Bus Terminal
“Betty Ford clinic drop-out.”
– man’s shirt on D train at Prospect Ave, Brooklyn
“Yo, I think British Knights be making a comeback. I seen a lot of n—-s wearin’ ’em recently.”
“Yeah, I remember when they was popular back in the ’80s. They was the hottest things for a while, like until Timberlands came along.”
“It was the ’90s not the 80s.”
“Nah, it aint. I been wearin’ Timberlands since the ’80s, for real.”
“Shut up! You was like 9 back in 1989. You was wearin’ some lame ass shoes your mama chose.”
“Punk bitches like you still wearin’ shit your mama chose.”
– two young men on the D train in Brooklyn
“did you see that homeless person with the sign at the entrance?”
“yeah, I’ve seen quite a few with signs since we arrived.”
“well, it made me wonder where these hungry and homeless people are having sex. I mean can you imagine stumbling upon them while they’re at it?!”
–
Pair of English women on the R train
look mama, I’m standing on the seat!”
“what did I tell you about standing the seat?”
“you said not to but you also told me not to touch anything with my hands so I’m using my feet.”
– smart ass kid on the 2 train
“Try not to die on the subway train, it’d be very inconvenient. And think about your loved ones when the medical bills come through. So, please, try not to die on the subway train. Very inconvenient. If somebody was to die right now, it’d be a wonderful example of what I’m talking about.”
– crazy guy on the F train
“My name is Shanice. I’m homeless, hungry, and pregnant. I am wearing these shoes so my baby Anileka can eat and go to school.”
– woman on F train
A zitty young man approaches a group of three young women on the F train platform at 4th Avenue, Brooklyn:
“Hey, you girls are speaking Spanish, right?”
“Yes.”
“Where you from?”
“Mexico”
“And, now you’re in America, huh?”
“Yes… we are.”
“Um, uh, that’s neat.”
Two women on the uptown F platform at 23rd Street:
“Seriously, like, the more you hang out with Brandon the straighter he gets!”
“Oh, I know, totally! But it is a good thing?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, some o y’all know me and some o’ y’all don’t. My name is Jamal Simmons but I also go by the name of ‘New York’s Candy Man’. Candy is 50c each or 2 for $1, you do the math. The candy that I have is Welch’s fruit snacks. Anyone care to buy? Selling more candy means more candy for sale. If I could make a real livin’ outta this, I would. Help a brotha along with his career, wontcha?”
Two teenagers:
“Yo! Quit usin’ school words!”
“All I said was watch your punctuation. Don’t you know what that means?”
“Yeah, I know what it is, just using school words like that make you sound like a bitch.”
“Oh my gaa-aahd! I love your shoes!”
“Oh really? Thanks! They’re H&M, you know, like 35 bucks.”
“That’s awesome! I didn’t know they sold men’s shoes at H&M.”
“Oh yeah, love ’em! Wait, do I know you?”
“Oh, I’m sorry! I’m Michael. We haven’t met but I love your shoes!”
Two charming young men on the A train at Fulton Street, Manhattan:
“Yo, ma n—a be tellin me about this shorty he smackin’ wit'”
“Which n—a?”
“You know my n—a Rayvon, right?”
“Yeah, I know the n—a.”
“Well, he be sayin’ that he be smackin’ on like cloud 9 with this new shorty he got named Rhondelle. Doin’ all kinds o’ nasty shit wit’ her.”
“Aw snap, that n—a always talkin about ho’s he smackin’! He be frontin, yo, no doubt.”
“Na’ he aint, n—a! He for real. I know it. He be gettin’ it poppin’ a whole lot.”
“Oh yeah, how you know that for sure. You seen him wit’ her?”
“Nah, but ‘dat n—a don’t lie to me. We known each other for years!”
“Word, whatever man… Hey, wait, uh, uh, ‘aint yo’ cousin’s name Rhondelle?”