Celebrity Beef

Two young men on the E train:

“Hey, you heard about that show where celebrities that got beef with each other go on and fight?”
“Yeah, it looks funny, man.”
“Yeah, it does. If you was a celebrity on that show, who would you fight?”
“I don’t know, maybe Riddick Bowe or Mike Tyson.”
“What? Why? They both be boxers and be beatin’ you down so hard you’d be dead in like five seconds!”
“Nah, they be old as hell now. I think I have a chance. Who’d you fight?”
“Ha, ha. I’d fight you, n—a, ’cause you so dumb about beating Mike Tyson, I gotta be able to kick yo’ ass!”

Luis Gives His Mom a Lesson in Thermodynamics

“Luis! What the f–k are you doing?”

“What mom? I’m eating my icey”

“I told you to stop sucking on that thing ’cause it be meltin’, and now look at it! It’s everywhere – all sticky and shit!”

“But mom, if I wasn’t sucking on it, it’d be leaking out worse!”

“How you figure that, stupid? If you didn’t be sucking on it, it’d still be frozen!”

“But mom, it aint my fault. That’s just the way icey’s melt, yo. It’s hot on the subway!”

“Don’t you dare f–kin’ talk back to me, Luis!”