Getting Your Lines Crossed

Drunken man to another passenger on downtown B near 14th Street:

“Yo man, anybody on the subway ever aks you if youse one of them al qaeda terrorists wit’ your long hair and beard and shit?”
“No, but if they ever did I’d tell them I’m Jewish.”
“Oh yeah, why’s that?”
“Because I am Jewish.”
“No shit, man? That’s cool.”

Career Assistance, Please

“Ladies and gentlemen, some o y’all know me and some o’ y’all don’t. My name is Jamal Simmons but I also go by the name of ‘New York’s Candy Man’. Candy is 50c each or 2 for $1, you do the math. The candy that I have is Welch’s fruit snacks. Anyone care to buy? Selling more candy means more candy for sale. If I could make a real livin’ outta this, I would. Help a brotha along with his career, wontcha?”

Shorty Smackin’

Two charming young men on the A train at Fulton Street, Manhattan:

“Yo, ma n—a be tellin me about this shorty he smackin’ wit'”
“Which n—a?”
“You know my n—a Rayvon, right?”
“Yeah, I know the n—a.”
“Well, he be sayin’ that he be smackin’ on like cloud 9 with this new shorty he got named Rhondelle. Doin’ all kinds o’ nasty shit wit’ her.”
“Aw snap, that n—a always talkin about ho’s he smackin’! He be frontin, yo, no doubt.”
“Na’ he aint, n—a! He for real. I know it. He be gettin’ it poppin’ a whole lot.”
“Oh yeah, how you know that for sure. You seen him wit’ her?”
“Nah, but ‘dat n—a don’t lie to me. We known each other for years!”
“Word, whatever man… Hey, wait, uh, uh, ‘aint yo’ cousin’s name Rhondelle?”

Celebrity Beef

Two young men on the E train:

“Hey, you heard about that show where celebrities that got beef with each other go on and fight?”
“Yeah, it looks funny, man.”
“Yeah, it does. If you was a celebrity on that show, who would you fight?”
“I don’t know, maybe Riddick Bowe or Mike Tyson.”
“What? Why? They both be boxers and be beatin’ you down so hard you’d be dead in like five seconds!”
“Nah, they be old as hell now. I think I have a chance. Who’d you fight?”
“Ha, ha. I’d fight you, n—a, ’cause you so dumb about beating Mike Tyson, I gotta be able to kick yo’ ass!”

Decisions, Decisions…

Two strung-out looking women:

“Damn, I wanted to get a f—in’ buttered roll, man!”
“So why didn’t you?”
“‘Cause I only got 12 dollars in my pocket and I can’t a coffee and a buttered roll with that.”
“What? You crazy! What kind of coffee and roll costs $12?”
“Yeah, but I gotta save ten of them dollars for my dose at the clinic, yo.”
“Aw snap, I forgot about your dose. You better get that or you will be crazy.”

Morning-Breath Paul

Two women on their morning commute:

“Hey, see that tall guy over there?”

“No, which one?”

“The one with brown hair, that looks like Paul from the office.”

“You mean bad-breath Paul?”


“Oh my god, that guy stinks!”

“Wait, that is Paul from the office! Why is he on this train? Doesn’t he live in Jersey somewhere?”

“Oh crap, he’s spotted us. He’s coming over.”

“Well, let’s just hope he brushed his teeth this morning.”

Washington, D.C.: It’s Really Nice

“Yo man, we got to get outta here.”

“Yeah man, I’ve been thinking that for a while. It’s too busy and hectic here.”

“I been in New York all my life but I’m done with it, man. Gotta¬† get out.”

Where to though? It’s just same in Jersey – n—-as be shootin’ each other there all the time too.”

“I was in D.C. recently, man, visiting this sweet honey I met online for the first time. Oh man, it’s real nice out there man. Real nice!”

“Oh yeah, what’s it like?”

“Oh man, it’s real , real nice. I mean, really, really nice out there. You gotta go see it for yourself. Oh man, is it nice out there!”

Stop Fidgeting Shonay, Part 2

Same couple as in an earlier post to their young daughter who is fidgeting in her seat.

Father: “This lil’ n—a crazy! She crazy just like you!”

Mother: “All these kids be crazy. She learning all this from the ‘hood. Shonay don’t appreciate nothing anymore. Not me, not you, not that ball she have, not no gum I bought her neither.”

Father: “Hmm. Remember wassa name? Um, you know, the one that’s dead.”

Mother: “Who? Yo cousin’s shawty, Khalifa? The one that got shot?”

Father: “Nah, wassa name… uh, uh, uh, Princess Di?”

Mother: “What?! Where the fuck that come from? Shonay be a crazy-ass cuz a you, n—a!”

Hot & Schweaty

Two young men:

“Hey, you know when it gets real hot and the sweat drips down your back and, like, uh, uh, gets all wet in your drawers?”

“Yeah! It be like that today, yo. Hot as hell, man!”

“You ever think that happens to females too?”

“Yeah, ‘course it does, and a lot too. It get all caught up in they booty!”

“I get it. Is that why they wear those thongs in the summer, then? So it drain off quicker?”

Unique Choice of Baby Name

Two women in their forties or fifties chatting to one another:

“Who’s this little cutie? (looking at a picture on a phone)”

“Oh, this is my little grand-daughter, Atari!”

“Her name is Atari? How do you spell that?”

“Just like it sounds: A-T-A-R-I”

“Like the video game console from the ’80s?”

“Like the what?”


Luis Gives His Mom a Lesson in Thermodynamics

“Luis! What the f–k are you doing?”

“What mom? I’m eating my icey”

“I told you to stop sucking on that thing ’cause it be meltin’, and now look at it! It’s everywhere – all sticky and shit!”

“But mom, if I wasn’t sucking on it, it’d be leaking out worse!”

“How you figure that, stupid? If you didn’t be sucking on it, it’d still be frozen!”

“But mom, it aint my fault. That’s just the way icey’s melt, yo. It’s hot on the subway!”

“Don’t you dare f–kin’ talk back to me, Luis!”