“Something smells sweet and nice, you know, like that guys nuts on the corner?”
“That’s what she said.”
- two women waiting for the L train
Sweet as a Nut
Reply
Tastes Like… Duck
“Hey, have you ever eaten duck?”
“What, you mean like the animal?”
“Yeah”
“Oh yeah, once I think at some weird French restaurant or something.”
“Did you like it?”
“I don’t really remember, why?”
“Well, I had it for the first time recently, and I was shocked because it was nothing like chicken, even though it’s a bird and all.”
“Yeah, I know. Why isn’t it the same as chicken? That’s weird right?”
- man and woman on the L train at 14th street
What’s the Next Great Invention?
“I betcha that the guy who invented the snuggi was the same guy who invented the pet rock.”
- shirtless, pot-bellied man on the downtown 2 train
Honesty is the Best Policy in Apparel
“Does your face hurt? ‘Cause it’s killing me!”
-man’s shirt at 34th st, penn station.
“Friend on benefits.”
- old mans shirt at Port Authority, 42nd St.
With Fans Like This, Who Needs Enemies?
“Yo, Michael Vick is one pussy ass n—a!”
“Why you say that? I thought you liked the Eagles”
“‘Cause he always getting injured and shit.”
“I thought you was gonna say that it was because he let them put him in jail for just fighting’ them dogs.”
“Nah, I ain’t tryna care about no dogs.”
Magazines, Schmagazines…
“Why all these women’s magazines be about pleasing your man with the sex he craves? Everybody knows he just want you to be a slut and then cook his dinner.”
- woman on the C train
Chevy Chase vs Harry Potter
“Have you seen European vacation, you know the movie, with Chevy Chase?”
“No.”
“Well, anyway, there’s a scene in it when they’re in England going round and round on a roundabout and it’s hilarious. That happened to us one day while we were there. We were laughing about it and we even said Big Ben Parliament like ten times.”
“Oh. Didn’t you see any castles? I hear there are a ton of them over there.”
” Yes, we saw one, but what we enjoyed most was the Harry potter studios tour.”
- two women on the downtown 1 train
No Mo’ Stilettos
“… And they doing it cuz they want you to suffer. Why else would they do it like that? Shoe makers gotta all be men cause they make us wear those kinda shoes that make us suffer. It ain’t no accident men all be wearin comfy shoes and all us dumb bitches be falling around wearing crazy heels. I mean, I used to wear ‘em so much that ruined my feet wearing’ ‘em, so much that I can’t even wear shoes no more.”
- barefoot homeless woman at W4th on the B train explains her lack of footwear.
Tired of Being Crazy
“I am so sick and tired of crazy people just standing there and saying crazy things on the subway. Why can’t they go someplace else? Why do they all pick the subway?
“I don’t know, probably because it has seating. Talking crazy for a long time must be tiring.”
- two young women on the uptown F train in Manhattan
Performance Enhancing Drugs for the Lazy?
“You know like when the Olympics on TV everybody always talking about doping and steroids they be taking to make theyselves faster?”
“Yeah. I don’t get it. Lance Armstrong be skin and bone. I can tell you he ain’t on no steroids.”
“Word. I think there also be folks who need steroids to make em go faster. Like that little Puerto Rican kid at the office, Jose. He does everything so slow I can’t believe he don’t fall asleep while he doing it.”
“Yeah you’re right. But I guess everybody in the Olympics already be doing things fast anyway.”
- two women waiting for the G train at Jay st/ Metrotech
Homeless Paul
“Hi everyone, my name’s Homeless Paul but you can call me Homeless, for short. I’m here today to take anything you got: food, drink, dollars, clothes, booze, joints, metro cards, scraps of paper, anything.”
How to Get Elbow Room on the Subway #2
“Don’t piss me off! I’m running out of places to put the bodies.”
- man’s shirt at Jay St / Metrotech Brooklyn
“Bath salts made me do it.”
- woman’s shirt at Port Authority Bus Terminal
“Betty Ford clinic drop-out.”
- man’s shirt on D train at Prospect Ave, Brooklyn
Clothes Your Mama Chose
“Yo, I think British Knights be making a comeback. I seen a lot of n—-s wearin’ ‘em recently.”
“Yeah, I remember when they was popular back in the ’80s. They was the hottest things for a while, like until Timberlands came along.”
“It was the ’90s not the 80s.”
“Nah, it aint. I been wearin’ Timberlands since the ’80s, for real.”
“Shut up! You was like 9 back in 1989. You was wearin’ some lame ass shoes your mama chose.”
“Punk bitches like you still wearin’ shit your mama chose.”
- two young men on the D train in Brooklyn
The Sign Read “homeless, hungry & pregnant”
“did you see that homeless person with the sign at the entrance?”
“yeah, I’ve seen quite a few with signs since we arrived.”
“well, it made me wonder where these hungry and homeless people are having sex. I mean can you imagine stumbling upon them while they’re at it?!”
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Pair of English women on the R train
Look, No Hands!
look mama, I’m standing on the seat!”
“what did I tell you about standing the seat?”
“you said not to but you also told me not to touch anything with my hands so I’m using my feet.”
- smart ass kid on the 2 train
This Just In: Dying on the Subway is Inconvenient
“Try not to die on the subway train, it’d be very inconvenient. And think about your loved ones when the medical bills come through. So, please, try not to die on the subway train. Very inconvenient. If somebody was to die right now, it’d be a wonderful example of what I’m talking about.”
- crazy guy on the F train
Non-Sequitur
“My name is Shanice. I’m homeless, hungry, and pregnant. I am wearing these shoes so my baby Anileka can eat and go to school.”
- woman on F train
What are those Spanish Ads Saying?
Two older gentlemen on the R train in Brooklyn:
“See all them ads in Spanish on the platform? They really annoy me.”
“Why? ‘Cause you don’t know Spanish?”
“Yeah, but mainly ’cause I think they’re saying something like ‘Don’t buy this crap we sell the black folks’, buy somethin’ else that’s better.’”
“You really think that’s what they saying?”
“I don’t know, maybe, but they look different and I bet they are saying something different. I don’t know why they don’t just translate the same ads we can read.”
“I know what you’re saying, but white people see them same ads we do in English.”
“Yeah, but they ‘aint tryna’ buy Fubu or Akademiks or eatin’ at Dallas Barbecue.”
Needs Help Talking to Girls
A zitty young man approaches a group of three young women on the F train platform at 4th Avenue, Brooklyn:
“Hey, you girls are speaking Spanish, right?”
“Yes.”
“Where you from?”
“Mexico”
“And, now you’re in America, huh?”
“Yes… we are.”
“Um, uh, that’s neat.”
Eviction’s a Bitch
Two women on the uptown C at Fulton Street:
“Motherf–ker was saying that he gonna evict me ’cause my kids is like a herd of elephants going up and down the stairs. That ‘aint fair at all – I can’t control how they be steppin’!”
“So what you say to him?”
“I told him ‘F–k you and your apartment.’”
“Damn, you go girl, tell that bitch n—a what’s up! Then what happened?”
“Well, we got 10 days to leave and find some place new.”