The French Paradox

“No, man, honestly, the casino in Monte Carlo was great. I walked in wearing a golf shirt and they were so happy to see me. I didn’t need to wear a suit at all.”

“Did you win any money?”

“No, I played a little black jack and lost like forty bucks and that kinda bummed me out so I left, but the croupier wanted me to keep playing. He kept calling me ‘monshure’ like I was some kind of high roller.”

“So, what else did you do in France?”

“We’ll, I had to go into a McDonalds, ya know, just to see what it was like. And let me tell you, the ones there aren’t nothing compared to ours. Our burgers are so much better, and you know what? Our French fries are better too! Can you imagine that?”

– two men on Jersey transit Trenton Express.

Straight Trippin’

“Hey, are you okay, young man? Those steps are totally stupid – the way they’re laid out, aren’t they? You think you’re on the last one and then there’s another. It’s so stupid!”

“Thanks for your concern, ma’am, but it’s not the steps. I’m wearing my dad’s shoes today, and they’re too big for me, so I’ve been tripping over stuff all day.”

– momish lady and teenager, F train, 4th Ave and 9th St, Brooklyn

Have You Heard About The Black Coffee Diet?

“Everybody thinks they be able to lose weight just by eating broccoli and a ton of small meals. That ad up there say that ain’t true and that broccoli carbs be bad for you, and that small meals pack on the pounds. I already knew that shit, but I can’t drink black coffee. Even if it does help speed weightloss, it just taste nasty with no cream and sugar.”

“I hear you, but the only broccoli I eat be in that Chinese beef and broccoli, so I’m good.”

– two women discuss slimming tactics on the E train

Tastes Like… Duck

“Hey, have you ever eaten duck?”
“What, you mean like the animal?”
“Yeah”
“Oh yeah, once I think at some weird French restaurant or something.”
“Did you like it?”
“I don’t really remember, why?”
“Well, I had it for the first time recently, and I was shocked because it was nothing like chicken, even though it’s a bird and all.”
“Yeah, I know. Why isn’t it the same as chicken? That’s weird right?”
– man and woman on the L train at 14th street

Chevy Chase vs Harry Potter

“Have you seen European vacation, you know the movie, with Chevy Chase?”
“No.”
“Well, anyway, there’s a scene in it when they’re in England going round and round on a roundabout and it’s hilarious. That happened to us one day while we were there. We were laughing about it and we even said Big Ben Parliament like ten times.”
“Oh. Didn’t you see any castles? I hear there are a ton of them over there.”
” Yes, we saw one, but what we enjoyed most was the Harry potter studios tour.”

– two women on the downtown 1 train

No Mo’ Stilettos

“… And they doing it cuz they want you to suffer. Why else would they do it like that? Shoe makers gotta all be men cause they make us wear those kinda shoes that make us suffer. It ain’t no accident men all be wearin comfy shoes and all us dumb bitches be falling around wearing crazy heels. I mean, I used to wear ‘em so much that ruined my feet wearing’ ‘em, so much that I can’t even wear shoes no more.”
– barefoot homeless woman at W4th on the B train explains her lack of footwear.

Performance Enhancing Drugs for the Lazy?

“You know like when the Olympics on TV everybody always talking about doping and steroids they be taking to make theyselves faster?”
“Yeah. I don’t get it. Lance Armstrong be skin and bone. I can tell you he ain’t on no steroids.”
“Word. I think there also be folks who need steroids to make em go faster. Like that little Puerto Rican kid at the office, Jose. He does everything so slow I can’t believe he don’t fall asleep while he doing it.”
“Yeah you’re right. But I guess everybody in the Olympics already be doing things fast anyway.”
– two women waiting for the G train at Jay st/ Metrotech

Clothes Your Mama Chose

“Yo, I think British Knights be making a comeback. I seen a lot of n—-s wearin’ ‘em recently.”
“Yeah, I remember when they was popular back in the ’80s. They was the hottest things for a while, like until Timberlands came along.”
“It was the ’90s not the 80s.”
“Nah, it aint. I been wearin’ Timberlands since the ’80s, for real.”
“Shut up! You was like 9 back in 1989. You was wearin’ some lame ass shoes your mama chose.”
“Punk bitches like you still wearin’ shit your mama chose.”

– two young men on the D train in Brooklyn

The Sign Read “homeless, hungry & pregnant”

“did you see that homeless person with the sign at the entrance?”
“yeah, I’ve seen quite a few with signs since we arrived.”
“well, it made me wonder where these hungry and homeless people are having sex. I mean can you imagine stumbling upon them while they’re at it?!”

Pair of English women on the R train