The French Paradox

“No, man, honestly, the casino in Monte Carlo was great. I walked in wearing a golf shirt and they were so happy to see me. I didn’t need to wear a suit at all.”

“Did you win any money?”

“No, I played a little black jack and lost like forty bucks and that kinda bummed me out so I left, but the croupier wanted me to keep playing. He kept calling me ‘monshure’ like I was some kind of high roller.”

“So, what else did you do in France?”

“We’ll, I had to go into a McDonalds, ya know, just to see what it was like. And let me tell you, the ones there aren’t nothing compared to ours. Our burgers are so much better, and you know what? Our French fries are better too! Can you imagine that?”

– two men on Jersey transit Trenton Express.

Straight Trippin’

“Hey, are you okay, young man? Those steps are totally stupid – the way they’re laid out, aren’t they? You think you’re on the last one and then there’s another. It’s so stupid!”

“Thanks for your concern, ma’am, but it’s not the steps. I’m wearing my dad’s shoes today, and they’re too big for me, so I’ve been tripping over stuff all day.”

– momish lady and teenager, F train, 4th Ave and 9th St, Brooklyn

Tastes Like… Duck

“Hey, have you ever eaten duck?”
“What, you mean like the animal?”
“Yeah”
“Oh yeah, once I think at some weird French restaurant or something.”
“Did you like it?”
“I don’t really remember, why?”
“Well, I had it for the first time recently, and I was shocked because it was nothing like chicken, even though it’s a bird and all.”
“Yeah, I know. Why isn’t it the same as chicken? That’s weird right?”
– man and woman on the L train at 14th street

Eviction’s a Bitch

Two women on the uptown C at Fulton Street:

“Motherf–ker was saying that he gonna evict me ’cause my kids is like a herd of elephants going up and down the stairs. That ‘aint fair at all – I can’t control how they be steppin’!”
“So what you say to him?”
“I told him ‘F–k you and your apartment.'”
“Damn, you go girl, tell that bitch n—a what’s up! Then what happened?”
“Well, we got 10 days to leave and find some place new.”

Getting Your Lines Crossed

Drunken man to another passenger on downtown B near 14th Street:

“Yo man, anybody on the subway ever aks you if youse one of them al qaeda terrorists wit’ your long hair and beard and shit?”
“No, but if they ever did I’d tell them I’m Jewish.”
“Oh yeah, why’s that?”
“Because I am Jewish.”
“No shit, man? That’s cool.”

Shorty Smackin’

Two charming young men on the A train at Fulton Street, Manhattan:

“Yo, ma n—a be tellin me about this shorty he smackin’ wit'”
“Which n—a?”
“You know my n—a Rayvon, right?”
“Yeah, I know the n—a.”
“Well, he be sayin’ that he be smackin’ on like cloud 9 with this new shorty he got named Rhondelle. Doin’ all kinds o’ nasty shit wit’ her.”
“Aw snap, that n—a always talkin about ho’s he smackin’! He be frontin, yo, no doubt.”
“Na’ he aint, n—a! He for real. I know it. He be gettin’ it poppin’ a whole lot.”
“Oh yeah, how you know that for sure. You seen him wit’ her?”
“Nah, but ‘dat n—a don’t lie to me. We known each other for years!”
“Word, whatever man… Hey, wait, uh, uh, ‘aint yo’ cousin’s name Rhondelle?”

Celebrity Beef

Two young men on the E train:

“Hey, you heard about that show where celebrities that got beef with each other go on and fight?”
“Yeah, it looks funny, man.”
“Yeah, it does. If you was a celebrity on that show, who would you fight?”
“I don’t know, maybe Riddick Bowe or Mike Tyson.”
“What? Why? They both be boxers and be beatin’ you down so hard you’d be dead in like five seconds!”
“Nah, they be old as hell now. I think I have a chance. Who’d you fight?”
“Ha, ha. I’d fight you, n—a, ’cause you so dumb about beating Mike Tyson, I gotta be able to kick yo’ ass!”

Unique Choice of Baby Name

Two women in their forties or fifties chatting to one another:

“Who’s this little cutie? (looking at a picture on a phone)”

“Oh, this is my little grand-daughter, Atari!”

“Her name is Atari? How do you spell that?”

“Just like it sounds: A-T-A-R-I”

“Like the video game console from the ’80s?”

“Like the what?”

 

Luis Gives His Mom a Lesson in Thermodynamics

“Luis! What the f–k are you doing?”

“What mom? I’m eating my icey”

“I told you to stop sucking on that thing ’cause it be meltin’, and now look at it! It’s everywhere – all sticky and shit!”

“But mom, if I wasn’t sucking on it, it’d be leaking out worse!”

“How you figure that, stupid? If you didn’t be sucking on it, it’d still be frozen!”

“But mom, it aint my fault. That’s just the way icey’s melt, yo. It’s hot on the subway!”

“Don’t you dare f–kin’ talk back to me, Luis!”

Blind Leading the Blind

“See that guy over there with the sunglasses on?”

“Yeah, I see him. So what?”

“He be blind.”

“No, he ‘aint.”

“Yeah, he is.”

“Um, no, he ‘aint.”

“Listen son, I know he is ’cause only blind people wear them kind o’ sunglasses.”

“For real? So why he readin’ a newspaper then?”