look mama, I’m standing on the seat!”
“what did I tell you about standing the seat?”
“you said not to but you also told me not to touch anything with my hands so I’m using my feet.”
– smart ass kid on the 2 train
Category Archives: parents
Eviction’s a Bitch
Two women on the uptown C at Fulton Street:
“Motherf–ker was saying that he gonna evict me ’cause my kids is like a herd of elephants going up and down the stairs. That ‘aint fair at all – I can’t control how they be steppin’!”
“So what you say to him?”
“I told him ‘F–k you and your apartment.'”
“Damn, you go girl, tell that bitch n—a what’s up! Then what happened?”
“Well, we got 10 days to leave and find some place new.”
From the Mouths of Babes…
Seven-year-old to his mother:
“Mommy, why is that Chinese woman carrying her trash on to the train?”
“They are called recyclables, my dear.”
“Ok, so why is that recyclable bringing her trash on to the train?”
Don’t Shoot!
Man to his wife:
“Stop putting a gun to my head about the mother f–er! I can’t do nothing about the kid if he don’t wanna wear no pants!”
Reading Backwards
Kid to his distracted mother:
“Mommy, why is that man reading his book backwards?”
“Oh, I don’t know, probably because he’s Jewish, honey.”
“I don’t get it. Can’t Jews read forwards?”
Stop Fidgeting Shonay, Part 2
Same couple as in an earlier post to their young daughter who is fidgeting in her seat.
Father: “This lil’ n—a crazy! She crazy just like you!”
Mother: “All these kids be crazy. She learning all this from the ‘hood. Shonay don’t appreciate nothing anymore. Not me, not you, not that ball she have, not no gum I bought her neither.”
Father: “Hmm. Remember wassa name? Um, you know, the one that’s dead.”
Mother: “Who? Yo cousin’s shawty, Khalifa? The one that got shot?”
Father: “Nah, wassa name… uh, uh, uh, Princess Di?”
Mother: “What?! Where the fuck that come from? Shonay be a crazy-ass cuz a you, n—a!”
Two Park Slope Mothers
“So, I’m annoyed that we’re running late, Kim.”
“Why? Are you in a hurry?”
“Yes, I’m in a hurry! If we don’t get to the yoga studio by 9.30, I’ll be late for my shift at the (food) co-op!”