What Would You Be?

A pair of teenagers:

“If you wasn’t black, what would you be?”

“I’d be Spanish ’cause I like rice and beans.”

“Word. I’d be Italian.”

“Why? ‘Cause you thinks youse gangsta?

“Yeaah! Bed-Stuy mafia, n—a!”

“Bullshit, I think you’d be uh, uh, uh, Japanese!”

“What? Why?”

“‘Cause you’s mad fat like one of them sumo wrestlers, ha ha!

Stop Fidgeting Shonay, Part 2

Same couple as in an earlier post to their young daughter who is fidgeting in her seat.

Father: “This lil’ n—a crazy! She crazy just like you!”

Mother: “All these kids be crazy. She learning all this from the ‘hood. Shonay don’t appreciate nothing anymore. Not me, not you, not that ball she have, not no gum I bought her neither.”

Father: “Hmm. Remember wassa name? Um, you know, the one that’s dead.”

Mother: “Who? Yo cousin’s shawty, Khalifa? The one that got shot?”

Father: “Nah, wassa name… uh, uh, uh, Princess Di?”

Mother: “What?! Where the fuck that come from? Shonay be a crazy-ass cuz a you, n—a!”

Luis Gives His Mom a Lesson in Thermodynamics

“Luis! What the f–k are you doing?”

“What mom? I’m eating my icey”

“I told you to stop sucking on that thing ’cause it be meltin’, and now look at it! It’s everywhere – all sticky and shit!”

“But mom, if I wasn’t sucking on it, it’d be leaking out worse!”

“How you figure that, stupid? If you didn’t be sucking on it, it’d still be frozen!”

“But mom, it aint my fault. That’s just the way icey’s melt, yo. It’s hot on the subway!”

“Don’t you dare f–kin’ talk back to me, Luis!”