The French Paradox

“No, man, honestly, the casino in Monte Carlo was great. I walked in wearing a golf shirt and they were so happy to see me. I didn’t need to wear a suit at all.”

“Did you win any money?”

“No, I played a little black jack and lost like forty bucks and that kinda bummed me out so I left, but the croupier wanted me to keep playing. He kept calling me ‘monshure’ like I was some kind of high roller.”

“So, what else did you do in France?”

“We’ll, I had to go into a McDonalds, ya know, just to see what it was like. And let me tell you, the ones there aren’t nothing compared to ours. Our burgers are so much better, and you know what? Our French fries are better too! Can you imagine that?”

– two men on Jersey transit Trenton Express.

Um, No. It Was a Non-Profit Coffee-House.

A very pale, black-clad couple at 23rd Street in Manhattan on the C train:

“So, when I walked in and I heard this Goth music playing, I was totally intimidated because really all I wanted to do was stroll around the shop and then casually go up to her and tell her how much I liked her writing.”
“So what did you do?”
“Well, I bought some incense and then walked out.”
“Where was this?”
“Vegas, of all places.”
“Wow, that’s awesome. You know that the city in the US with the most head shops is Albuqerque, NM? Interesting tidbit, right?”
“What makes you think this was a headshop? The incense?”
“Um, yeah I guess.”
“Well, actually, for your information, it was a nonprofit coffee house and it had all these neat, old pinball machines and a life-size statue of Mike Tyson.”

Freddie Songbird Sings the Blues

“Good morning everyone. My name is, first name Freddy, second name Songbird, and today’s song is by the late, great and very legendary Sam Cooke, and it’s called “a change gonna come”. I’m sure all of us agree that we need a change in the world situation today. Anyway, it goes a little something like this…”
♫ I was born by the river in a little town, and I’ve been running ever since… ♫
“Help a brother out, if you can.”
♫ It’s been a little while… But I know a change gon’ come ♫
“Now, remember, ladies and gentlemen, this is a day that lord has made and you should rejoice and be glad in it. Tomorrow aint never guaranteed. You know that it wasn’t your alarm clock that woke you up this morning. Your alarm clock had nothing to do with it. It was the good Lord telling you to rise and praise his name. When I was a drug addict, I was a shadow of the man you see in front of you today, but I learned that if god gives you a gift he does not take it back. My gift is my voice and he never took it back even when I was hittin’ the pipe. Yeah, you can lose it yourself, but the good lord never gives you his blessin’ only to take it back. Ladies and gentlemen, sometimes the truth hurts.”
– Freddy Songbird on the F train in Brooklyn

It’s Hard Out Here for a Poet

“I aint no Robert Forster or William Shakespeare but if you enjoy poetry I think you’d like my book of New York poems, priced at $10, DVD priced at $8. It contains such fascinating poems as, “Don’t beat your children or they’ll turn out like me”, “if you don’t make time for your girlfriend during the week, she’ll be hard to find at the weekend” and “what’s the quickest way to Riker’s Island?”.


Introducing Mista Smoke

“Hello New York and all you hop-hop lovers! My name is Mista Smoke and I’d like to introduce you to Mista Smoke – music by four college-educated rappers. We don’t degrade women, promote guns or drugs. 4 songs are $1, 13 songs are $5. We’re also on iTunes and facebook. If you only remember one thing that happened to you today, remember Mista Smoke: no blinging, no lying and no dying. God is my witness. Word is born.

Mista Smoke hawks his tunes.

What Would You Be?

A pair of teenagers:

“If you wasn’t black, what would you be?”

“I’d be Spanish ’cause I like rice and beans.”

“Word. I’d be Italian.”

“Why? ‘Cause you thinks youse gangsta?

“Yeaah! Bed-Stuy mafia, n—a!”

“Bullshit, I think you’d be uh, uh, uh, Japanese!”

“What? Why?”

“‘Cause you’s mad fat like one of them sumo wrestlers, ha ha!

Smells Like Hot Soup

“I was stood next to this guy this morning and he smelled nasty like he had just had some hot soup.”
“He was breathing on you?”
“Nah, well, I guess, but mostly he just smelled like hot soup.”
“What’s so bad about that? ‘Least it wasn’t garlic or something!”
“It’s nasty, girl! Who has hot soup for breakfast?!”