The French Paradox

“No, man, honestly, the casino in Monte Carlo was great. I walked in wearing a golf shirt and they were so happy to see me. I didn’t need to wear a suit at all.”

“Did you win any money?”

“No, I played a little black jack and lost like forty bucks and that kinda bummed me out so I left, but the croupier wanted me to keep playing. He kept calling me ‘monshure’ like I was some kind of high roller.”

“So, what else did you do in France?”

“We’ll, I had to go into a McDonalds, ya know, just to see what it was like. And let me tell you, the ones there aren’t nothing compared to ours. Our burgers are so much better, and you know what? Our French fries are better too! Can you imagine that?”

– two men on Jersey transit Trenton Express.

Tastes Like… Duck

“Hey, have you ever eaten duck?”
“What, you mean like the animal?”
“Yeah”
“Oh yeah, once I think at some weird French restaurant or something.”
“Did you like it?”
“I don’t really remember, why?”
“Well, I had it for the first time recently, and I was shocked because it was nothing like chicken, even though it’s a bird and all.”
“Yeah, I know. Why isn’t it the same as chicken? That’s weird right?”
– man and woman on the L train at 14th street

Career Assistance, Please

“Ladies and gentlemen, some o y’all know me and some o’ y’all don’t. My name is Jamal Simmons but I also go by the name of ‘New York’s Candy Man’. Candy is 50c each or 2 for $1, you do the math. The candy that I have is Welch’s fruit snacks. Anyone care to buy? Selling more candy means more candy for sale. If I could make a real livin’ outta this, I would. Help a brotha along with his career, wontcha?”

Luis Gives His Mom a Lesson in Thermodynamics

“Luis! What the f–k are you doing?”

“What mom? I’m eating my icey”

“I told you to stop sucking on that thing ’cause it be meltin’, and now look at it! It’s everywhere – all sticky and shit!”

“But mom, if I wasn’t sucking on it, it’d be leaking out worse!”

“How you figure that, stupid? If you didn’t be sucking on it, it’d still be frozen!”

“But mom, it aint my fault. That’s just the way icey’s melt, yo. It’s hot on the subway!”

“Don’t you dare f–kin’ talk back to me, Luis!”